John Cockram

John Cockram

Welcome to my world.

Well it's a new year, a new decade so here is a new website. Hopefully better than the last. More content and more "interesting things".

Well I've moved the current home page to be added later. I really don't see the point of talking about a dead man walking lol.

So what have I been upto over the last couple of years? Well I've spent most of the time on my own trying to heal from the Narcessictic relationship I was in for a total of 7.5 years (5 1/2 years and then 2 years). It's been a really long journey and really had it's ups and downs. I think I've gone through probably every emotion in the book. It's been hard to deal with and if I'm totally honest there have been days I have just wanted to give up and end it all. I've stood on Jumpers Bridge at Scammonden Dam and thought, it will be quick. I've looked at all my tablets and thought it will be easy and I've thought about my car and a hose pipe, I'll just go to sleep. Then I've looked back all them years when my best mate took his own life and I remember the hurt and heart break that was left behind. The people it leaves in peices with no closure. I think I can't let this person who did this to me win. I have to be strong for my son and my family. It's so hard to fight and to try and remember the person you use to be. To remember all the good you have done for people and how much you have helped people. (often the wrong people). Everyday has been a struggle. There have been days I just haven't wanted to get out of bed. The mood swings and the fear of going back to that place have pushed me on. I've fought so many battles with myself, I've lost count of them all.
Something I've noticed a lot is that on the whole, people only contact me when they need something. It's been happening for years but I think it's been more obvious during this lockdown. What I'm finding is that people I haven't heard from for a long time, suddenly want to talk. Then they want something doing for them or people who i have seen or talked too now that the lockdown is in full force and the their circumstances change temporarily stop getting in touch. This will become obvious once this situation is over, who then start getting in touch again. It's not a nice feeling when you see what is going on. What do you do about it? How do you change it?
I really think I need to change and stop helping people I feel people are out for their own gain. I feel like I'm an object to be used and taken the piss out of when people are stuck. Unfortunately people mistake kindness for weakness. Believe me when I say it is not. I am by no means the person I use to be and I will not be used because I'm the easy option. When you have been hurt and had the piss taken out of you as much as I have for the last 10 years, it changes you. Not only does it harden you, it changes you in side as well. People have needed a place to live and I've given them somewhere, people have needed money and I've lent them it, people have need someone and I've been there. It's who I am, it's in my DNA.
What have I wanted in return? Nothing but honesty. 99% of these people have shit on me in the end. Either taken the piss with my house, not paid what they owed. The ones I've lent money too, have not paid it back and the ones I've been there for only need me when they are desperate. As soon as they can they are suddenly busy or in a bad place etc etc. I am far from stupid and I see what's going on. I can see right through them and their little games.
I know when they suddenly appear again and I'm not interested in helping any more, I will suddenly become the bad guy. Hey but I'm use to that.
These days honesty seems to be almost impossible to find. Everybody has a hidden agenda and it's all about them and what they need/want. People don't care about other people so long as they get what they want. Watch this space.

Corona Virus. For now stay safe and be kind.

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